BULLSHIT: Nutella

I have a confession to make. I don't think many people know this about me, and I finally feel enough trust here with yous guys that I can let it out in the open.

I fucking hate Nutella.

What? Everyone loves Nutella! No. It's a lie. People be trying to put that crap all over everything. On fruits, in cakes and cookies, all wrapped up in pastries, on sandwiches, croissants, bagels, pieces of dog shit. Whatever. And I'm here to tell you that Nutella = bullshit.

Nutella is, from what I can tell, a hazelnut butter mixed with chocolate and ass. People (presumably the same people who are all about some chocolate) seem to generally ignore the fact that it tastes like plastic. It's too thick and too sweet, and it pretty much just makes me angry.

I remember being really excited about Nutella after I saw Jamie Oliver make some weird rugelach-looking thing with it once. It seemed like one of those rare Italian imports, and I felt very special, like one of the few Americans who knew the secrets of the Nutella. This the beginning of the disappointment. So I rushed to the Harris Teeter and was super happy when I saw that they actually had it. I got it home and slathered it all over a piece of bread, still excited about this rare Italian confection I was about to consume. I took a huge bite, and was horrified by the tar that had my tongue stuck to the roof of my mouth. It was like peanut butter, except it tasted like cheap, overwhelming chocolate. Ever since then, I can't stomach Nutella.

The only thing that makes me angrier than Nutella are the people who chastise me for not liking it. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person on the face of the earth who doesn't like it, because I have yet to meet anyone who, upon hearing about my hatred doesn't immediately go, "How can you not like Nutella??"

I can not like it because I do not like the taste of cheap chocolate with the texture of glue. If you like those things, I ain't judgin. But don't judge me for avoiding suck dreck.

Guess what? I shall hide in the shadows no more! I am out and proud.

Nutella can suck it.